and that was fine by me
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: (AU) It's been a few years since the first moment that Jose and Henrietta have become partners, but she's starting to lose pieces of herself as time goes by.


**Fandom: Gunslinger Girl  
Title: and that was fine by me.  
Rating: G**

**Description: (AU) It****'****s been a few years since the first moment that Jose and Henrietta have become partners, but she****'****s starting to lose pieces of herself as time goes by****.**

**Disclaimer: Yui doesn****'****t own Gunslinger Girl. She just really, REALLY like Henrietta and Jose. The song is ****"****Woke from Dreaming****"**** by the Delgados.**

"My heart is getting heavy  
And my hands are weak now.  
Hatred lifting  
And I'll start to weep now ."

**and that was fine by me.  
By miyamoto yui  
**  
Nothing can simulate what is truly real. Just because you can feel it doesn't define it as such.

That's what I wondered while I sat there swinging my legs while sitting in my chair. They were looking at me oddly as I did so, but I shook my head with a smile painted on my face. I was pouring the sugar into my cup.

More and more…  
It seemed the amount was never ending with each 'ting' of the teaspoon into my cup. As if I couldn't taste it anymore if I didn't put so much, was I losing my ability to taste?

Even though I drank it silently, with my legs not moving, I couldn't help but feel a shiver trying to make ts way throughout my body. It was something cold within that was trying to get out. I didn't know what it could have meant.

At that moment, I decided to leave. I put my cup down on the saucer and picked up my red coat that Jose had given to me. "I'm going out for a walk," I said without a second thought about how much it didn't sound like myself.  
Whomever that was.

I closed the door and wandered the halls with the rays of lights coming through the windows. Softly, I tried to touch the dust particles. They were real even though you couldn't see anything within the darkness.

I wondered what was happening. This darkness was starting to enwrap me within its grasps. I was starting to forget a lot of things…

…was this the end of me?

I went out to the garden as the wind blew around me. I wondered what beauty around me could look as good as this. Why did people think that because you had a body like this that it's disgusting? Just because I was made into this didn't mean that I was ugly or grotesque in any way.  
Just because you erased the memories that were previously in my head, didn't mean that they weren't there. They were dormant, that's all.

But they came back in dreams and flashes. This was something I learned to accept. I just couldn't tell Jose.

However, I wondered when these old memories started to take over the new ones. I carried that camera everywhere. It was always in the bag that I had.

They were my eyes.

My memories were kept intact, ironically, but another thing that was a "machine".

But I wasn't a machine. I knew I was a person too.

Could that mean that my feelings weren't anything but confined to the definition of conditioning? That wasn't fair. That wasn't fair at all.  
There were many people who did horrible things and they were considered human. Just because my body wasn't all flesh anymore and my womanhood taken away from me, that didn't mean that I couldn't feel anything at all.

And Jose was trying to save me. But I couldn't bear it anymore.  
The more I found myself falling in love with him. And the more I found out what pain meant. The closer we got, the more painful it got.

How I would forever look physically like a child though I loved him like a woman after all this time…?

To the point that I, now, have to run away. I had to get away from him because getting closer meant that I would hurt him more when I was gone. I didn't know if he thought that far, but I knew what was happening.  
My mind was going.

My mind was starting to forget everything little by little. And soon, I would become the little girl in the hospital in a coma that he chose to be his partner. Could I handle someone else being his partner? Could he pick another?

What would he do? I couldn't bear him even "leaving me" either.

I didn't know what to do.

It was then that I knelt on the ground in some secluded area with the sun setting around me. In all the greenery, the darkness was coming above me. I put my hands on my face and began to cry...  
I began to cry like any other human, but with a burden so inhuman that my tears weren't enough to show the weight of what I was feeling and what I carried deep inside of me.

I couldn't ask anyone why. I couldn't ask if there was a god, despite the fact that I was here in Italy.  
Ironic, wasn't it? And I didn't know how to pray.

I couldn't do anything at all. Forsaken by heaven, hell, and humans…

I was programmed to kill and I struggled so hard to live. I wondered what the hell was I here for if I had to live this way. Why was I the one to chosen above all other girls?  
If Jose had treated me like the other supervisors, maybe this wouldn't have been as bad. My heart would have become numb with time or indifferent. But he hadn't.  
I wanted to be angry about why he had to bring me back to this world. But even more than this, I was happy that it was him who chose "to bring me back to life".

I didn't know how to feel.

I stood up and continued to cry at my life and at my gradual death inside of me.

At that moment, a hand pulled my head close. Wrapping his arms around me, I knew who it was. And I began to cry even more.  
"Henrietta?"  
"I'm starting to forget…to forget everything…" I sobbed. "I keep on smiling, but even that's beginning to hurt too."  
"Stop thinking like that," he whispered to me, holding me closer. "What matters is now."

I shook my head, not really believing it. I believed he was trying to convince himself too even though I could feel his heart breaking inside of him.

"I just want to be normal, Jose." I said, not really knowing what that meant anymore.  
"You've always been an ordinary girl," he whispered softly. Leaning closer to me, he kissed the top of my head.  
I shook my head.  
"I wouldn't have wanted you any other way."

The confusion gradually decreased, but I held onto his coat tightly between my fingers. His last sentence repeated in my head.  
**  
+/+/+/+/+/**

The next day, I drank my tea again. They looked at me, relieved that I was "myself" again. Or rather, in my mind, what was left of it.

I turned my head towards the window while looking at him. He stopped to smile and look at me to say hi. Then, he walked off with the sunlight raining upon him. I swore I could almost squint my eyes to see the silhouette of wings on his back.

I smiled to myself and thought about us after the long silence yesterday...  
_  
__"__I wouldn__'__t have wanted you any other way.__"__  
_  
_The confusion gradually decreased, but I held onto his coat tightly between my fingers. His last sentence repeated inside my head._  
_  
__"__Never forget me," I quietly told him.  
He answered me, __"__I can__'__t. You__'__re a part of me.__"_

That was all I needed to know. That someone respected my life enough to let me love them and they loved me in return. This was more than love now, beyond life or death, human and machine…  
**  
+/+/+/+/+/**

Later on that day, I went to a room to play violin for him. With all the darkness around us, he smiled at me. But at the end of the performance, he hugged me and I sat in his lap. I closed my eyes as he continued to hold me warmly.

He sang,  
"You can do what you do  
If you think you'll take it  
You can do what you do  
If you are that way inclined."

My mind drifted…  
"If you had to die for Jose, would you happily do that, Henrietta?"  
Uneasy, Jose turned his head away from the person who had asked the question.  
I smiled and nodded my head. "Yes. That is the best way to die in my mind."

But that person didn't understand the depth of this answer.

To me, this was the meaning of my life. A definition mixed by the corporation and conditioning and the disease called love.

And that was fine by me.

It wasn't like it wasn't reciprocated.

For when I was about to turn around after politely dismissing myself, Jose said to the person, "How about if I wanted to save her?"  
The person laughed. "That's ridiculous."  
"No, it isn't. Not at all."

Later he put his arm over my shoulder as I was looking into the telescope that same night.  
"You're mine. And it's only natural to protect what I treasure most, isn't it? That's what I think being human means."  
"You know everything, Jose?" I laughed as I did a long time ago when I first started getting to know him.  
"Yes."

I thought he did.  
But now, I know it meant:

Just believe in me the way I believe in you.  
That's all you really need to know about anything...  
**  
Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note:** This was just a prelude for a fic I've been thinking of for GSA. I just felt like writing for Henrietta today. I'm in that "in between" state right now: I feel and yet sometimes I don't want to.  
**  
April 21, 2004**


End file.
